You know what? You can read it here!
I’ve always had body-image issues – who hasn’t? I struggled through middle and high school thinking that I simply was not “enough” and that I was abnormal. I wasn’t pretty enough, or skinny enough, or socially adept enough. I was too bookish, too reserved, too interested in writing when everyone else was interested in being outside, too interested in staying still and taking in the scenery while it flew by for everyone else. But, I was smart enough for others to cheat off of; I was interesting enough for others to seek my council when they didn’t know what to do.
Now, I see through the lens of wisdom created by mental and psychological abuse that can only come from a parent – the kind you never recognize until everything inside of you breaks from heartache. I look back through this lens as someone fighting depression and self-image issues, and I look back with the wisdom that someone my age should not have learned yet. I look back and I see an unnecessary trial by fire, a test of tears and blood and hatred of the self. Now looking forward with this wisdom, I see the message I wish I’d been taught.
Love yourself. You are the only you that has, does, and will exist upon this earth. Love your strengths. Love your flaws. Love how you look when you get out of bed in the morning. Love the ridiculous thoughts that flit through your mind at three A.M. Love your mind. Love how your hands express thoughts. Love yourself even when you think no one else does. Love yourself forever and always, ad infinitum.
That’s what I’d teach everyone in the world. Love yourself.
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAs someone with anxiety problems, major depression and an eating disorder, going through a dark spell at the moment, you have no idea how much that essay means to me. It's worse because I thought I was getting better, but I have just had a total relapse that has sent me on a dark downwards spiral. Today I thought it wouldn't be possible to feel any lower - then I did. I'm at a time where I get a diagnosis of extreme depression from each doctor and therapist and counsellor I see, and I have to explain it over and over again to teachers who don't understand, but nothing changes.
It's really hard to think positively sometimes, and even harder to sit down and read and write a lot of paragraphs.
But you did just prove I can.
You might have saved my life just now! :)
-Amber
That means so much to me! :) I recently went back to therapy because my depression isn't getting any better and it's started to trend to the worse again. I have issues handling my emotions well due to my batshit mother stunting my emotional growth. But I know that I'm not alone in this - no one is. It's just hard to get through, and push through, and break she surface back to normality... whatever normality is.
DeleteRight now I'm doing some self-help by talking to my significant other over skype where we each take as long as we need to type up massive amounts of words and clear the air. It's helping a lot, and it helps me learn and figure out what I'm doing and why.
I'm glad that I could help you, because that's what this essay is meant to do. If I win the money, great. But I care more about spreading a message of loving and accepting yourself, even when it seems so damned impossible... It's hard, but it's possible :)
Oh that's too bad. I've been waiting for months to go back to my therapist and I feel like she's gonna be disappointed at the relapse. I also have a new doctor to meet just when social anxiety kicks in... I have a sneaking suspicion they're going to do a risk assessment of some sort.
DeleteAs for your mother, stay away from her. Stay away from toxic people, that's my number one rule for life in general. Toxic people can change for the better and sometimes they need help too, but while they are toxic and while you are in no position where you can help them, get out the way.
I pretty much shut myself off from all my friends and I'm not contacting my school or anything. I have one friend who's in need right now and I will probably keep a line open for her, other than that I can't really help anyone in the state I'm in now and I don't want to 'contaminate' them, for lack of a better term. But I'm glad it works for you. :)
-Amber
Well, whatever helps, right? I got some blood taken to see if any lack of vitamins or anything is helping out my depression. I'm hoping that I just need some more B-12 or something... or at least that it'll help...
DeleteShe's totally out of my life, but my mind's so screwed up because of her it's gonna take a few years of therapy to get it mostly righted again. And that's why I broke up with my last boyfriend. Toxic, liar, drug-addicted little boy who only wanted sex. Tragic.
I'm trying to keep my friends in my life because they make me feel happy. They're well aware of my issues so they're supportive and help out when I need them to.
Yeah, I guess we gotta do what we gotta do. Personal anecdote: taking outdoor walks or going for a jog really helps me.
DeleteFlush your ex boyfriend down the toilet, because he sounds like a piece of shit. :D Good luck with your new significant other, I hope he/she treats you better. Getting away from toxic people and finding people who can help you is a good skill to have, on the plus side.
My friends know about my issues, in a tip of the iceberg sort of way. I stopped telling them about it because they take the "get over it" approach to helping people with depression - that is to say, not helping at all. If it were as simple as "get over it", nobody would have depression.
I'm fortunate to have a mother who understands and has been through the same shit, I consider myself super lucky in that regard.
I'm in the same boat depression-wise. I had a severe bout of it a couple years ago that almost ruined so much for me. In my situation it lasted longer than it should have because I was too stubborn to admit to I had a problem.
DeleteAmber: I'm not really an outside person when it's this god-damned cold. So I watch anime or go on tumblr and cheer myself up that way.
DeleteAnd I already have, he knows not to talk to me. What did I say to him? "cry me a fucking river and get over yourself"... sounds about right.
I hate people like that. If I could just magically feel better I would. But I can't cause my head's all screwy. Sigh...
You are very lucky in that regard. No one in my family has depression issues so I'm kinda going it alone in that sense...
Chris: I find it really weird that all of us depressed people are so god damned creative... haha. I was too afraid to admit that my depression was worse than everyone thought to my parents because they're very judgmental and I'm terrified of judgement even when I know I'm right... But even then I'm too stubborn to admit it's depression.
At least I'm too lazy to take up self-harm again. Literally when I get the urge I'm like "but... tumblr... and internet... and that would take a lot of effort... and I dunno if I have that many bandages left in the bathroom... meh... another day..."
No one in your family has had it? That's rough; do drop me an email if you need someone to talk to.
DeleteSelf-harm, now that's a rabbit hole I wish I'd never gone down. After scrabbling around my bedroom at 3am looking desperately for something sharp, I realised I had a serious problem and swore never again, I'm proud to say I've stuck to it for a year. Now when I have the urge, I recall how it didn't solve anything and actually hurt the people around me, more than it did me.
I know what you mean about laziness though. Suicide would involve getting out of bed. Nooo thank you.
Pah, I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy.
As for the creativity thing, maybe it gives a sense of compassion used to create characters, a form of expression or escape. I don't know. I'm often told I live in a little world of my own. :D
-Amber